Don't wake me up
It's someone else up there sobbing at a sad song during their brother's funeral. No, it's a sad, horribly sad movie we're all watching, and we're crying out of empathy because it's just not fair and we can feel their pain. But it's not us, those flowers next to the casket that say "Brother" don't mean our brother. We still have our brother. But that's why we're so sad, because we see how badly they're hurting and know it could have been us.
Every once in awhile it tries to sneak in. I was drinking lemonade just now and saw a crumb in the bottom of my glass. I thought of being little and having extra sugar granules in my kool aid glass. When I was little, I had my Wyatt.
What if one night, Dad on the recliner in the living room, Kyla and I in the blue bedroom, Mom in bed, and Allie on the couch in the basement, we all died? Painlessly, in our sleep, but it's not like death, instead it's like finally waking up from a sickening nightmare because we're all together again. We don't even know we're gone. We don't even remember this hell.
I'm waiting for Wyatt to comment on our blogs asking us, "WTF? Somebody call me and tell me what's going on." I keep waiting for it. He's at his new hut and hasn't had internet access yet is all. That's why he doesn't answer my IMs and stuff.
I was telling Omar today that maybe when Wyatt flies back from Africa they'll give him a few days in Philadelphia again before he goes back to South Dakota, and it would be fun to drive up to see him before anyone else! And try to convince him to go to grad school in Washington so we can hang out like we used to.
Big sisters take care of little brothers. They help them with their resumes and take them down a few pegs when they're being obnoxious and talk to them after they break up with their girlfriends and buy them funny posters for their wall and laugh at their senses of humor. Sisters need brothers, too, to ask questions about dumb boys or to lean on when they're having a big long string of bad days or to hang out with on holidays away from the rest of the family. I can't live without my Wyatt. I can't.
13 Comments
Leave a comment
Ginger,
Unfortunately life marches on, but rest assure, he's always going to be there for you and he’s always with you. As a matter of fact, he’s there with all of us that he touched. He’s in the little things that reminded you of both the good and not so good times. I can’t imagine what I would feel if I was in your position. I know you are very close with him and nothing will take that away from you, not even if he’s not physically with you. I have been thinking about you and your family a lot lately. I wonder how you are doing. I know Wyatt’s sprit lives on in all of us.
I know people don't know what to say to console us. But hearing people say that life goes on is not comforting. I personally don't want to know that life goes on. I don't know how it can without Wyatt. He was our only brother and only those who have experienced that loss can understand what it really feels like.
Ginger, I hope you are OK. I would call you but I forgot my phone at home. Maybe you should move here so we can be close to each other, that would be nice.
Kyla,
Sorry if I offended you. I am only trying to offer some comfort.
I know Vivian, I appreciate your words. You didn't offend me, it's just hard to hear and know that life WILL go on.
I wish I could just reach out over the US and give you a big HUG. I think about you all so often. Please keep more in touch and call. I don't have any of your phone numbers. You can call Erik's phone. Can't wait to see you at xmas. Keep in touch dear. Luv ya lots!!!
thinking about you today, ginger.
Ginger,
So many people are praying for you and your family. Even people you don't know. No one can know the pain you feel. I wish that it could be taken away. The pain is a reminder of how much Wyatt meant and will always mean to you. Take care of yourself, and know that he is looking down on you.
Gin&Kyla
I hate seeing you and your family in so much pain. I wish that we could take it away and make it all better again. Your loss is so deep and so painful. Hold your memories close to your heart. I love you all and am thinking of you ALL THE TIME.
Love, Bobbie
Ginger and Kyla-
There are no words that can make this pain go away. When I lost my brother 8 years ago I hated it when people told me things would get better and life goes on. I didn't want life to go on. I wanted it to end there and I wanted my brother back. Don't worry the pain will get better, no that's not anything I wanted to hear either. I want to remember this pain, that is something I don't ever want to go away. I know this sounds strange. But it's not same pain it was at first. At first I was mad, upset, and pissed off that my brother was taken from me and my family. But as time passed my heart started to heal, day by day, it felt a little better and I could start to laugh more that the things I remembered about him. And also evently enjoy my days with out feeling guilty that he wasn't here to enjoy them with me. Yes, there is still a big part of my heart missing that will never be replaced but, I have been able to heal parts of it. We may never understand why these things happen. But I know now that Cole is watching over me and is always with me. Just as Wyatt is doing the same for you. Things will never be the same, but remember that with time thing do get better. Ginger and Kyla, I am always here if you ever need to talk. You are all in my thoughts and prayers! Love- Hollie
Like many other people who read your blog my heart is broken for you and your family. I can not imagine what you and your family are going through. I am so sorry for your loss!!! I am sure you are tired of people telling you it will get better, because for you right now, you can't imagine and don't want to imagine it getting better. Lean on your family and friends....cry, be angry..know that there are a lot of people who care about you and your family. people you don't even know, care about you !!!
take care of yourself and again iam sorry for your loss.
Ginger,
It just doesn't seem real. I just keep thinking he's going to come back in two years and tell us all sorts of crazy tales of his wild adventures. Know that I am thinking of you daily.
Hi i really know your pain iv lost my brother he was only 39 such a big character, i love him and miss him so much it hurts every time i think of him, thats about 100 times a day and its been two years. But i know i will see him again,thats what keeps me going. But im still a mess and so is my family, xmas and birthdays hurt even more,but we have to go on, im so sorry for your loss, im sure your brothers watching over you as mine is i can feel him around me. mandy x